By “Mr. Vegas” Latin Life Denver
After first few weeks, we know nothing
Usually we are smart and savvy.
So we understand a lot, and we try and learn every day. But for now, call us Sergeant Schultz. We know nothing!
This season seems a mystery. On the pro side: Seattle, NY Giants and Indianapolis — all viable Super Bowl contenders — are 0-2, while the New York Jets, Carolina Panthers and Cincinnati Bengals look invisible.
The Broncos are probably the biggest recipients of the craziest football September ever. Both Baltimore and Kansas City had control of the games against Denver only to throw ill-timed, unimaginable pick sixes allowing the Broncos back in both games. Throws like that don’t happen in Pop Warner, let alone the NFL. In fact; “Throws like a girl” has been replaced with “Throws like (Chiefs) Alex Smith.”
Chiefs Andy Reid, Eagles Chip Kelley, Giants Tom Coughlin and Bills Rex Ryan all have made coaching decisions so perplexing the media can’t even conceive of asking questions why they did it. Who thinks Jamaal Charles is going to gain 44 yards on the second to last play of the game against a prevent defense and who doesn’t go for the clinching touchdown on fourth and one on the four yard line with only a couple of minutes to play?
On the college side; Alabama, Oregon and Stanford all have lost, while Notre Dame, California and Mississippi look like world beaters. Nebraska loses on two Hail Mary’s while Texas sweats if they have to play any opponent not a campus sorority. And Ohio State, sporting three pro-caliber quarterbacks, scores 20 against Northern Illinois — at home.
Oklahoma gives up two long touchdown passes in 14 seconds against Tulsa right before the first half ends and Mississippi bobbles a snap, hucks a wild, wobbly pass that bounces off one receiver, off an Alabama defender’s helmet into the waiting arms of another Ole Miss receiver who takes it the distance. A double-reverse flea-flicker worked in Memphis and a Texas kicker missed an extra point with seconds remaining losing by one to California.
Gremlins, pixies and phantoms seem to be working overtime. Think someone’s spiking the coaches/players Gatorades.
Now usually the law of averages starts balancing the scale and normalcy prevails. But it is laughable to watch the level of ineptitude considering the amount of sophisticated game films, statistics and knowledge these coaches and players are privy to watching and studying.
That is until we use our betting slips as crying towels.
Denver at Detroit (+3) Sunday night — Broncos coach Kubiak relegated to sitting in end zone wearing a dunce cap while Peyton Manning runs the show. Proving that he can’t (won’t) be an under-center quarterback, Manning has coaches selling peanuts and beer to earn salaries while he “Plays recess” with Demaryius Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders. Strategy works fine while Broncos defense rescues offense more often than Navy Seals, but if Manning has a rough outing, expect Elway and Kubiak to swoop back in and staple Peyton’s hands to center’s rear end. Denver fans guaranteeing a laugher, Vegas says not so fast. Broncos 21-20.
Pittsburgh at St. Louis (+1) — Rams owner Kroenke threatening to pull team and Wal Marts (wife’s company) out of St. Louis. Rams fans help by packing up both entities and escorting them to the border. Steelers 31-17.
San Diego at Minnesota (-2) — Adrian Peterson to get 20 carries — by halftime. Rivers in road games can be psychotic, though appearance by Pope could give religious Rivers a chance. Vikings 28-17.
Oakland at Cleveland (-3.5) — First week neither team could defeat Nuggets, second week making Super Bowl reservations. But fact in; Raiders finally have talent on offense for first time since “Chucky” Gruden left town. Johnny “Tea Totaler” Manziel taking Tebow mirrors out of storage to conjure up wins. One of these teams will be 2-1 at game’s end defying Hawkins’ rules of physics. Raiders 21-Browns 10.
KC at Green Bay (-7) Monday night — Chiefs have 11 days to stew about Denver loss and decide best strategy is to bring two helmets to game for Jamaal Charles — one on-the-field helmet and another to smash the grass in disgust after fumbles. Rodgers is 37-3 in last 40 games at Lambaugh Field, yet seems all is not perfect in land of Brats. Rodgers escapes more traps than mouse at a Wisconsin Fair. Chiefs probably have 21 better starters than Packers; trouble is the most important position isn’t even close. GB 28- KC 27.
Buffalo at Miami (-3) — Bills actually leave state for game. Heads still reeling from Brady’s 60 passes, but good news is Buffalo secondary finally found Pats receiver Edelman (he’s been back in Boston for past three days). AFC East suddenly a saltier division, but only Dolphins actually live in saltwater. Miami 20-Bills 17.
Nichols State at Colorado — For shame CU administrators! Vegas not even giving odds proves what a meaningless dud this resembles. Colorado, 3-1 after game’s end, will be worst 3-1 team in NCAA history. Beautiful Saturday in Boulder, but fans should avoid this game or else more like these will be scheduled. Not going to dignify powder puff game with a prediction.
Texas San Antonio at CSU (-9.5) — Roadrunners not a bad team, but have played monstrous schedule to become visible program. CSU magic left with last coaching regime, but there is talent for a Mountain West run. CSU 42-TSA 28.
New Mexico at Wyoming (+3) — Sad to think local teams have slipped this much. Little sisters from state down under favored at Wyoming. Cowboys 21-20.
Oklahoma State at Texas (+3) — Battle of two worst kickers in the county (strange considering programs). Horns fans so upset after blowing California game, they don uniforms on Bevo and Earl Campbell. Greatest current mystery in sports — how mighty Texas could be so bad. Trap game for Mike “The Spike” Gundy and OSU, but better looking orange narrowly escapes. OSU 23-21.
Tennessee at Florida (-1) — Fans issued ear muffs in first 15 rows so they don’t have to hear Gators coach McElwain rip on players. Two programs trying to make fast comeback with star pups, but we know in Colorado that McElwain can flat out coach. Florida 24-Tennessee 17.
Utah at Oregon (-13) — Utes to run wind sprints on plane to warm up against fast action Oregon. Seems 2015 Ducks don’t have the same quack. Oregon 35-Utah 31.
UCLA at Arizona (+4) — Bruins finally keeping in state talent in state, but wacky things happen in the desert at night. Arizona 34-UCLA 27.
TCU at Texas Tech (+7) — Not so sure about the Frogs, especially away from DFW. Tech proving they have some swagger back and recruiting war is as big as the game. Texas Tech in upset 27-26.